Are you listening? Actively Listening?

How can simply listening damage the relationships we try to build with colleagues, stakeholders, leadership and even friends and family?

Well, communication is the most important part of building relationships and listening accounts for 45% of how we communicate according to the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development. That's 45% so if you don't listen actively then it really can cause serious harm so let's talk about it.

45% of how we communicate is by listening - Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development

Now it's curious to note that unlike talking, reading and writing we are not taught how to listen. And given that listening is so important it's not hard to see why building relationships can be so difficult.

Now I'm sure you’ve been in a situation like this before, you're talking to someone but you notice that they're looking at something else rarely giving eye contact, fidgeting, looking at their phone, interrupting, replying in a defensive or confrontational way or changing the topic of conversation completely. So think back to how that made you feel.

Now we may believe that we are good listeners but listening is more than waiting for your turn to interrupt, Simon Sinek.

We need to establish mutual trust and respect in order to develop relationships. We can start by having conversations and part of having a dialogue is listening.

But if we listen poorly it can have the opposite effect of the one we're aiming for, just paying attention often just isn't enough.

Now, Carl Rogers developed active listening back in the 1950s.

Carl Rogers (1902 - 1987)

Active listening is an important life skill and can be applied in various settings not just the workplace but at home as well. It's a technique to help connect with others to start to build mutual trust and respect and develop the relationships that we need. It advocates being truly present in the moment, empathy, giving up any preconceptions or opinions, construing meaning beyond the words we hear so that we actually hear what is being said rather than we think or want to be said.

It encourages us to be truly present and be mindful. Being mindful means;

• Being present in the moment and paying attention to what is happening right now and not on what you're going to say Being aware of the speakers and your own body language

• Being empathetic, trying not to judge

• Restating or paraphrasing in your own words what has been said to you to show understanding

• Summarising to bring everything together to check the complete picture is correct

• And not patronising or preaching

• And above all else, don't interrupt

Try not to ask ask ‘why’ questions as they tend to make people feel defensive instead go with leading questions such as ‘what happened’ or open-ended questions such as ‘how’ or reflective questions such as ‘it sounds like you..’

Now in the book Never Split The Difference Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, Chris Voss speaks to his version of this concept he's dubbed as ‘tactical empathy’ where in conversation you show you’re listening by repeating back to them.

In this approach you're not driving for a ‘yes’ you're aiming for a ‘that's right’ and when you understand someone fully and that individual knows that you understand them and you have the ability to summarise their thoughts completely they have no choice but to respond with ‘that's right’ and this builds camaraderie and trust.

The aim is to learn about your counterpart by asking open questions and showing you're truly hearing them.

Now listening is easy but really listening, actively listening, is hard, much harder than you might think, it's a skill and takes practice.

Listening badly causes so many problems but because you didn't listen you won't even realise.

1. First, your reply may not address what the other person was actually saying

2. Second, because you were waiting to jump in and interrupt you've told the other person you don't value what they were saying

3. And thirdly your unconscious body language told the other person you aren't really interested in them.

So we end up with miscommunication, a lack of trust and a potential great relationship lost.

I like this quote from Ernest Hemingway;

When people talk listen completely don't be thinking what you're going to say, most people never listen nor or do they observe

Try this today, actually listen to someone concentrate on their words. If your mind slips into thinking about your reply actively bring yourself back to the speaker. Maintain eye contact, not in a creepy way in a way that shows you're listening, don't fidget, don't use your phone, pay attention, and as they're speaking to you mentally bullet note the key points that they are communicating to you.

When they’ve finished speaking replay to them the key points that you believe they said and ask them if you've understood correctly. Then and only then give your reply.

There are some great TED talks on the power of listening, a great one to check out is William Ury ‘The Power of Listing’ which you can find on YouTube here https://youtu.be/saXfavo1OQo?si=eT-GU17bTaZyUB45